Work Telephone

Work Telephone

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

The Silent Fart

The Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”

Total Solar Eclipse

Total Solar Eclipse

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when cannibals capture him. The eclipse is due the next day around noon.

To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a “GOD” and threaten to extinguish the sun if he’s not released, but the timing has to be just right.

So, in the few words of the cannibals’ primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.

The guard’s answered, “Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal.”

“Great,” the astronomer replies.

The guard continues, though, “But because everyone’s so excited about it, in your case we’re going to wait until after the eclipse.”

Cooking Lesson

Cooking Lesson

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the Kitchen, “Careful… Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

“Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

“They’re going to STICK! Careful… CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him, “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving”

Customer Service

Customer Service

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for quite some time now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any more.”

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, I personally placed an order for them just a couple of days ago.”

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she asked if we had any?”

“Poisonous spiders in the fruit department.”

Sympathetic Landlord

Sympathetic Landlord

A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

“Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”

“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes and sobbed, “I’m the landlord.”